[Journal · Title]

all of this is rough again, liek the first one... any hints would be appreciated :)

“A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”
- Sophia Loren

As my life seemed to be getting exponentially better as time passed by. My mothers life proceeded to stay on a constant downward spiral into the abyss. Ok well maybe that is a little bit harsh, I wouldn’t say that her life became an abyss, more like a series of unfortunate events. Obviously, her first wrong choice was to get involved with a man who was known to be trouble, especially when she had three children to take care of. Its funny, because before I left to live with my father I had never realized the plethora of bad choices my mother had made. I spent my life thinking that everyone in the world lived like we did. I assumed that all big brothers cared for their siblings the way I did, I assumed everyone’s mother worked two jobs, that everyone had to juggle between bills, that every had to fight for everything that they wanted. I thought that everyone grew up poor. I never realized that we could have been better off, that my mother could have done something to change our situation.

Granted, I’m not say that every poor family could be middle class if they would simply work harder or make better decisions, but in my mothers case it was true. All of the following I obviously found out much later, by piecing together stories from family, and things etc.

My mother came from a lower-middle class family. My grandfather worked everyday of his life until he died. My grandmother was a stay-at-home mother. She cooked. She cleaned. She raised her children. There were times when they went without, and there were times when they had more than they needed, but on average, they were fine. They were a family of five, three children, a mother and father. Every child had what they needed. Every child was given the opportunity to succeed.

My mother got pregnant with me when she was in high school. An 18 year old girl, pregnant by a 21 year old boy. Her faith forced her to give birth to me, to marry my father, to try and make this mess work somehow and it did, for two years, I guess. Aside from the arguing, the fighting, the cheating, the lying, the distrust, the anger, we were a family. When I was one, my parents got a divorce, to this day I don’t know the real reason why. After knowing the both of them I assume it was because they were tired of trying; tired of trying to make a broken home whole, tired of trying to make a family out of an accident, trying to make something from nothing.

My mother and I lived alone for the next few months. During which time we lived with a random guy here and there and when I was three, my brother was born. To this day, he has never met his father, I don’t even know if she really knows who he is. She was so out of it for those months I don’t even know if she remembers. Regardless, she was now a single mother with two boys under the age of five. She moved around from house to house, sometimes living with men she had met here and there, other times alone with us kids.

She spent the next years bouncing from job to job, from house to house, city to city, always ending up back at my grandparent’s house. There is something I think you need to understand about this situation, my grandparents would have always taken us kids in, at any moment, had she decided to go to school, had she decided to do something productive with her life. My grandparents would have helped her to the best of their ability. Instead, she wasted her opportunities.

She was selfish. She wanted to be a stay at home mother like her mother was for her. And rather than let go of that, and get herself, and her kids into a stable environment, she floundered around, wasting time, and money and energy chasing a dream that would never come true. She let down her two children. By being selfish, she prevented us from being able to have opportunities in the world.

During these years she went through, two pregnancies (one had failed the other, the child was given up for adoption), approximately eight jobs, sixteen places of residency, nearly one hundred men, a drug addiction, depression, alcoholism, and the church.

When I was seven, she met my youngest brothers father. He was good man, he accept us kids as if were his own. They got married, had my brother, and everything seemed to be fine. In those four years, we lived in only two houses (one when they first got together, and the next a short while later), she only had two jobs, we had a steady income, Christmas’ and Birthdays seemed to no longer be filled with disappointment, everything seemed wonderful. Except for one thing, he was a drunk, he was mean drunk. He never hit us kids, never physically abused us, but the emotional damage was something that my mother, after four years could no longer bare. And they got a divorce.

After Jose, she went right back into the mess she was before. And that is when she met Darren. The drunk, punk, tweeker. Not only was he a pot-head (which I am not opposed to entirely, recreational smoking is something that, in my eyes, is harmless) but he was a meth addict, a junkie, weed is one thing, but when meth, cocaine, and heroine are being used around children, that’s when its gotten too far.

When those kids are asked to pee in a cup in order to get her husband to pass his piss-test that’s a problem. When those kids are spanked for crying because they are hungry, because their food money was spend on weed, that’s a problem. When those kids are afraid to come home, that’s a problem. When those kids watch their mother get beaten up, that a problem. When those kid are beaten, that’s a problem. When those kids see this man come in and out of their house and prison, that’s a problem. When they are told to expect a baby sister, or brother, and then find out there was a miscarriage, that’s a problem. When they are promised allowance, or a new toy with the money that’s “sure to come in the next few days” and then they don’t get it, that’s a problem. When those kids don’t feel loved, that’s a problem.

After three miscarriages, my sister was born. Shortly after my mother had her tubes tied. I’m surprised my sister was even able to be born, my mother had been severely beaten when she was 6 months pregnant with her. She was born with an absent father, besnt meaning he was in prison for the aforementioned beating. There are times when I wish she had been just another miscarriage. Just another one of those babies that never made it out. Then she would have been able to escape the pain that my mothers life put on us kids. Shelby sealed the deal for my mother, no matter what Darren did, she would never leave him, she would never back down, she was going to give one of her kids a family, even if she lost all the others in return. I think she promised that for Shelby out of guilt for giving up Ashlee. I think she had it in her mind that Shelby was gods way of letting her do it over, of giving her second chance to be a good mother. But what she didn’t realize is that Shelby was not her second chance, it was her fifth, and she had only been a good mother to one. The one she let go.

Cynthia commented on my myspace and it forced me to go back and re-read something that i wrote last year... in feb. 2006. I read it and felt horrible at the fact that my attitude has not changed in the slightest, and the fact that i still feel miserable is not gone...

(i find it ironic that i said that it would be aweful to go to iowa! [cytnhia pointed that out])

[In a letter to Grandma]

I have decided that I am going to try and go out of state. And in my junior year I want to study abroad so I have to get a college that will allow me to do that. I have absolutely no clue what I want to do anymore though! I want to be a teacher still but they get paid so little! I want a big house and I can't have it on a teacher's salary, unless I move to like Iowa or some god-awful place in the middle of nowhere! So I need ideas! I was thinking maybe a Lawyer, psychiatrist, or designer. But I am so confused. Right now all that I am worried about is the getting in part. I can decide what I want to do afterward.

I have been working so hard the past three years; and I am beginning to get tired. I know that I can't, at least not yet, but I can't help it. It feels like no matter how hard I try I am still not as good as the people around me. I know that if I was in any other high school I would have a GPA of 4.2, if I was working as hard as I am now, so it is discouraging when all that I can scrape together is a 3.65. Then I see people who are not working nearly as hard as I am who have all A's or mostly A's and two B's (better grades than I do). I'm not saying that I am one of the worst kids in the class, or that I am failing, because I really am in the top 10, but I don't feel like I am. But then I look at everything I have done and all the things that I am going to be doing even within the next semester, and it makes me happy for awhile but it isn't enough. I don't know what is wrong with me, I think that I just want so much for myself and I am trying way to hard and it is really bringing me down instead of pushing me forward.

There are so many other things that I would like to do too, that I cannot do simply because I don't have the time. Reading is one of the biggest things, I would love to read but I cannot find the time anywhere. I have made this long list of books that I want to read and it just stays the same way and never changes. I feel like I am doing too much of what I HAVE to do and not enough of what I ENJOY doing.

[In a letter to a friend]
What should I do with my life? Honestly. What should I do? I nano. I nano what to do what to be who to be where to go where to go to school and anything else. I'm scared, scared of the future, scared of being alone in a cold world with no one around me. Scared to be the one paying the bills, to be fixing things when they go bad. And I don't know what to do about it.

What does this mean? I wrote two letters to two different ppl and both of them had the basic same i dea. I told this two to ppl i can opean my heart ans sould to and i thinkt hat is why i said the truth. It hurst though it hurts me, that i think this way.

To My Mother:

I Believe in our lord and savior.
I know his miracles and heavenly ways.
I feel his awesome power and I can see
the greatness of divinity.

You say that I am Lying.
That a fag could not know God.
That next to him there could not be,
a place for a pervert like me.

Do you dream of a homo-less heaven?
One that is absent of gays?
Do you hope for a faggot free world?
Is it the afterlife you crave?

If so, I hate to break it to you,
but there is a surprise
when you hit the grave.

For I, like you, was made in his vision,
and in the end it is his decision.

He chooses who to save.

Im sitting here at my desk watching the academy awards.... i suppose that i should be watching it... but im not all that interested.

Friday was fun... Jakes party.... had an amazing time there... i wish he had had another one sooner because it was so fun.

Saturday morning... waffles with Jennifer, Emily and Jash. That was awesome... jash and i bought a new waffle iron. We used it. Then whent clibimng on the elementary school...

Saturday Afternoon... met up with Jimbolina at the mall... Went to his house... Eric came... Went to Jennels Party... Had Fun.. Great FOod.

Saturday Night... Drove around alot with Jimbolina... Got Starbucks... Talked alot. Had a great time... iw ant to do it again sometime.

Sunday Morning... Helped dad fix sprinklers... Missing parts... Homedepot... Shower... Bus to Northhollywood... met up with david from posse.

Sunday Afternoon...David and i in west hollywood... The French market... fun talking...long day...

Sunday night... academy awards... and live journal... no Esteban :(

sry for Jennifer... thoguh i dont know why... i just know that she feels bad... i hope she feels better.

OK so I decided to update you all on everything that has been going on in my life… Emily is complaining that no one ever posts anything anymore… so I might as well.

My life is going sooooooooo well at the moment… I’m scared that it will soon end; I’m a pessimist so that makes sense.

1. I got my report card… I am the coolest. A B in government and Enviornmental Science the rest are A’s besides Calculus which is a C. But I am damn proud of that C… it was a huge struggle for me to get that so if anyone says anything about it im going to say with a smile “Yup, it’s a C and I’m SOOOOOO happy”
2. Esteban… and no I’m not talking about myself… OMG, how could I get so lucky to find such a great guy. He is so funny and smart. I feel comfortable around him; he makes me feel good about myself. We talked and talked and talked literally for hours, and there (in my opinion) was never a dull moment, never one of those times when I asked myself why I went out with him. Instead I ask, how was I lucky enough to get to go out with him. He’s modest too, which is always hot. And his name… lol that was the funniest part! Esteban, same name lol that’s crazy.
3. My Grandma and Grandpa are going to give me $200 a month for the entire time I am in college, even including the months that I am not in Iowa or in school. For four years straight they will be giving me money. That is sooo cool. I never thought I would get financial assistance form my family, and to know that my grandpa just basically is handing me $10,000.00
4. Dad and Sigs are going to pay for my phone, my books, and supplies while I am in college. Which is basically another $10,000 over the course of the 4 years as well. This means that all that I am going to have to come up with is $32,000.00 total. I can probably make like $20,000.00 working over the course of the four years meaning that I will probably have a debt of only like $15,000.00 when I graduate… WHAT A FUCKING GREAT DEAL! I AM SOOO HAPPY!
5. I paid the deposit on my housing for Grinnell This week. It’s finally happening, I only have 6 months. I’m Scared, Nervous, Happy, Excited, Thrilled, Shocked, In Awe. I never thought that my dreams would actually come true. I hope I don’t disappoint the people I know and love, they are all counting on me to be the first one in our family to Graduate College.

I suppose that that is all, there really isn’t much of anything else going on. (I hope you are happy now Emily I posted for you :P)

thank you btw you made me feel better...
21:16] WhtMonkee13: hwo does being gay relate to money?
[21:17] WhtMonkee13: can u answer me that?
[21:17] WhtMonkee13: how in the hell?
[21:17] Emily: im not sure
[21:18] WhtMonkee13: exactly
[21:18] WhtMonkee13: stupid
[21:18] WhtMonkee13: stupid
[21:18] WhtMonkee13: i hate them
[21:18] Emily: no you don't
[21:18] WhtMonkee13: i havent wanted to leave more in my whole life
[21:19] WhtMonkee13: that what im saying!
[21:19] WhtMonkee13: i never AKSED for anythign
[21:19] WhtMonkee13: when they wanted my mother to pay for the robotics trips
[21:19] WhtMonkee13: i smiled and said ok
[21:19] WhtMonkee13: we both knew she wouldnt be able to
[21:19] WhtMonkee13: and that i would end up doing it
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: and even at the end of this summer
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: they said
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: that they woudl be shocked if i actually was able to pay for them
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: and i was like
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: i thought after i payed for them
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: they woudl see that im not stupid
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: yes i blow money
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: and i dont save
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: but when i know i need something
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: i buyt hat instead
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: my phone
[21:20] WhtMonkee13: i had a new phone in a week
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: alejandra lost hers the beginnign of this year
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: and souldnt get one still
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: i KNOW what im doing
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: and since when have they cared?
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: they didnt help
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: i wasted two whole sumemrs
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: working becuase htye had a grudge
[21:21] WhtMonkee13: i just want to cry
[21:23] WhtMonkee13: but no matter how good i do they are never satisfied
[21:23] WhtMonkee13: EVER
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: i could be a millinaire
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: and theyw oudl have a problem witht he clothes i wear
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: i get GREAT grades
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: imnot a drug addict they have nothing to complain about
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: im not PERFECT but htye have no reason to complain
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: id liek to see them with a kid from birmingham
[21:24] WhtMonkee13: wut then
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: i shouldnt have to live with people who
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: 1. dont know me
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: 2. will never be satisfied with anythign i do
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: 3. dont appreciate that they have a graeat son
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: 4. make it so that i have to be two ppl around them
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: thats what i meant by the changing thing
[21:25] WhtMonkee13: anytime i am at my moms house
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: i have to pretnend liek i hate them
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: and anytime i here
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: i have to pretend like i HATE my moms family
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: and i AHTE that i have to do it
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: they cant share
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: ok
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: deeeeepppp breath
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: is still feel like crying
[21:26] WhtMonkee13: but have to do the lab report with eric
[21:28] WhtMonkee13: it jsut hey have no right
[21:28] WhtMonkee13: to make me feel so stupid
[21:28] WhtMonkee13: when im so smart
[

FIRST OF ALLL..... y'all didnt comment on my last post... which i was looking forward to... second is the folowing:

so i get home today formt hat stupid poster session crap at HTHLA and emily took me to the bank before she dropped me off at home so that i could get hte money for the senior shirts... so she drops me off and i get home and everything is fine. Then i eat dinner and dad a sigs start to lecture me about how i am irresponsible with my money. how i need to save money becuase i have to pay for crap for college. and im like... why the fuck do u care? you didnt when i had to pay 2,000 for Robotics trips, work both of my sumemrs away. and they are like well who do u think ur going to come to when you need help? your going to come to us... cause ull wait untilt he last minute and then tell us o i need money. We feell like we are being taken advantage of because youa re making all of this money and you are blowing it on crap (their "Crap" is netflix and the gym jsut FYI) when ytou could be saving it up. and i said well i am sick of trying to change myself just to please you im tired of changing for any and everybody that comes through my door.
and sigs goes... noone is asking yout o change a thing, we just want to "advise" you on how to manage you money SIgs goes... and steve by the way ive known for a LOOONG time that you were gay. so no big deal there. (sort of with an attitude)and then im dumbfounded because i wasnt expecting to hear anythign like that at all i have like no idea how the two connect but o well. so i just turn to my dad and say... you told her?? and he is like well u didnt say not to. (which i didnt and i am not mad that he did i was just in shock... i thought that he would have let me wait to tell her when i was ready) so then we argue about the money for a little longer and then i blow up and im like WTF!!! my ENTIRE last two years i have never counted on you to give me any money of any kind. if i need money for soemthing i use the money that i made from workign my butt off. i never (FOREVER) have expected you to pay for anything even remotly related wiht college. NEVER EVER.... i always felt like we didnt have the money. when i comes to prom i havent expected it... when it comes to ANYTHING to do with SENIOR or COLLEGE i HAVE NOT EXPECTED ANYTHING FROM YOU!! and quite honestly if you are goign to give me money and feel like ur getting screwed i dont want it... id rather pay for it myself. it not that i wouldn't appreciate you help but if that is how u feel i dont want it, cause iw ant you to give me money because you want to help... not because you feel obligated to do so just because i live here or becuase im ur son. then they say well how the hell are we supposed to know any of this if you never sya it... we never know anythign that goes on with you...

and that was the end of it and we sort of filtered out. they asked me to make a list of all the things that i would like to get for college and the things that i am going to need for SENIOR ACTIVITIES and set prices and markl what i would like them to pay for.

so now im pissed... they can go die... im so angry...

I’m scared, nervous, about what is to come…
How do I know what to expect?
I imagine a place filled with fun, but the other part of me is saying
“stay… This is the place for you… how can you leave?
You have your siblings you life your family… what will they do without you?”

Then the other side fights back…
“They will get along! In one way or another… stop filling your head with nonsense.
Yes they love you… and they know you love them… you HAVE to go! There are no more questions
This is what you have worked your whole life for…
The chance to be better than they were
The chance to show everyone who doubted you that you could do it.
You have accomplished so much in your life…. Why should you give it up just because it may make them feel bad…
It hurt when you left last time didn’t it? Yes it did
And now look at you… look at the you before that happened
Look at the you now…
And now imagine the you after this next step…. Can you? can you see it?
Your dreams are in grasp… you can reach them… just one more step… this step.. take it.
You may think that it is not the right thing to do for your family… but there are times in life when you have to be selfish. Think of yourself first and foremost.”

“but how can you do that to Shellz and Russ and Justin, how can you leave them?”

“They don’t get you now, what will they loose? You already see them once every three months anyway… you haven’t seen Justin since august… nearly 6 months… that’s the longest you’ve ever been apart. They will deal”

“But who will I meet… her I can have anyone I want… im going to IOWA…. How many queens are gonna be there? I will end up lonely and miserable… cause by the time I get back to California… I will be 22… old!”

“Fucking idiot 22 is not old! 22 is a great age, Grinnell is one of the most accepting of the gay culture… you won’t have a problem… and even if you do… u’ll be 22… not too old honey!”

Even with these two halves of my brain battling it out… I am at a loss…. The pro guy is winning… but the con guy give me great points… I wish I had an outsider looking in, who knew everything that was in my head… someone objective… but there can never be someone like that… no one will ever know EVERYTHING inside my head… that part sux… until then I am stuck debating with myself what to do… I think I rushed into this posse thing… I’m stuck now, going to Iowa… anyone I tell is never happy they always hear Iowa and cringe… it’s a decision I have to make… and unfortunately at this point I have no clue what I am going to do… they must have liked me ryt… I must have something they want… and they practically shoved me into Grinnell… becuz I was looking at both…. So they must have thought I would fit. But the more I think about it the more I like the city… and the more I crave a relationship, and for whatever reason I feel like I cant have that if I go to Iowa… so I have to choose… my dreams from the past… or my current dreams, and which will make me happiest?

Thnx for listening.

ESTEBAN 

OK so the day started out really crappy... i woke up late... i hate waking up late... But immediatly t started to turn around because i ran into Philip when i was walking to school and he always brightens up the day... when i got to school, i realized that class was already starting and then it truned bad again when i realized that i was unable to eat my sun chips because of the no eating int he building rule... which blew donkey butt...lol.

ok so then we get into RESEARCH CLASS... which already blows donkey butt... and then we start to grade eac`hothers posters.... for those of you who read this and do not know what the poster are... ask me sometime and ill explain... so we are grading the posters and all of the criteria that is on the page has never been givent ous befor eand they act as though we should fail everyone simply because they faile dto do their job.. so then MS. Wooten and i got into a big ol doo roow (idk if thats how its spelled) she wanted me tog o around and redo everyones posters and iw as like no... and she was like... so u r going to defy a teacher?? and i was like yuppers!and you can go ahead and send me to ms,. rybin (the principal) or whatever you feel like doing caus ei dont care. so then she was like ok (but with that look like... ok fine im going to deal with you and get u back later) so then i sensed that and i was like ok fien if im going to go to ms. rybin im going to go in with a good hardcore facts, so emily, jennifer, cynthia, and alejandra helped me prepare an arguement for ms. rybin... during nutrition iw ent in there, befor ems. wooten had a chance to tell her what i had done... and i went in and explained whathappend and all (in better detailt than this) and she agreed with me and saiod that she would talk to ms wooten... but i had to apologiuze for being so rude.

so now my day is going great becuase i WON! lol... well im not positive yet but for today i am winning... lol... plus iw ill look better for apologizing... which i am really sorry for the way i acted but i am not sorry for my opinions (which ms. rybin made clear that i didnt have to apologize for).

so then is english where we read this amazing poem... if i wasnt to lazy i would post it. lol. it was GREAT! and then we had a prom commitee meeting witht he girl who isnt even a senior and she was all tryignt oget involved and i was like shut the eff upp little girl. but i didnt say that... lol.. the meeting went great..

then i went ot dance which was also great... i learned the dance but i need to really practicve because im nbot great yet... then i went to govenrment...oh wait...

before governemtn i saw ms. rostami and told her i finished my math homeowrk and she was like "with ms. golovina?" and i wa like "yes" and she was like "so ms. golovina finished the math homework." which made e mad for like 2 seconds and then i was like not mad, but i walked away anyway... so i think she thinks that im mad at her... but im not.

sot hen i go to governemtn... and have a great time as usual with alejandra. talking and what not... glen is in our group... *note to self... be in groups with glen more...he is a great partner*

so then Emily and i go to Wendy's... where we then decide to got he gym, well she was goign and asked me if i wanted to tag along... iwas like sure... lognstory short... i joined... and i got a great deal because i got like 4 months for 199.00 :) so its great.... and now we have to go at least 3 times a week... really i would like to go 4... but 3 is fine... lol

and now im hyper and excited and i better go to bed so that i can go to the gym tomarrow... emily cant go but mabye i will go after school.

STEVEN :)

well Emily wanted me to post again so i decided that i would... my break has been good but i hate that it is goign to be over in only two days... im glad that i did not go to my mothers house this weekend... OH there is somethign new, i speaking to my mother again. I think that she thinks "im coming back to her" but really i only will go up there now to see the kids. its not that i dont love her... its just that i cannot get over the things that hse has done.

Cynthia, Emily, and Jennifer asked me a few questions the other day that really got me to think. and i decided to post the answers.

its sexual... i think that is the only reason. Because people are people. I came to this conclusion because i realized i know so many girls, but i could never see myself with any of them, so that must be what it is... lol. ill explain better in person. but i think that that is what it is...

i feel lonely... not because i dont have friends who care... and actually i should say that i feel alone... i thought that if i told people about myself i would start to feel more open, and the weight that i felt i was carrying would go away, but now it seems that that weight has multiplied. i dont feel better i feel worse. i think it is becuase it is so big of a change. I went from hiding everything to being able to talk about it freely. And now im still in the mode of hiding, i forget at times that i can talk openly. Emily has beent he best... i never thought that it would have been her, but it has, i love her for that. well i mean not just for that but you get the idea.... she is always there to talk to... im sry that i didnt get to know her better earlier. Ok so back to the point... i feel alone because quite frankly, im the only fag at our school. i think it would be better if i went to a big school. (o btw im not the only one... but any else i cant stand to be around)i think that this problem will get better once i leave for Grinnell. you would think that because it is Iowa, there would be no chance for me to meet anyone, but surprisingly, i found that its the second most accepting. And when i was looking at the clubs and things i found that there are alot of organizations and things geared to GLBT students... its nice to know that i am goign somewhere that i will be accepted. but for the time beign i dont feel like i am....

lol i didnt thinkt hat that would take as much of the page as it did... its somehting that has been bothering me awhile... lol.

i am worried about school... i have and F
the very first F that i have gotten in my entire life... and i am so scared that ppl will thinkt hat i didnt try... in the beginning i will admit, i didnt try... but lately i have been goign to tutoring, and stuff to try and bring it up... but it isnt helping. so im scared that they willt ake away the scholarship because of one F... but i dont think Ms. Rostami would let that happen... she will protect me... i hope.. lol.

ok well i thinkt hat that is pretty mucha ll that is bothering me lately... but you know the fac` that emliy hasnt found out when and where is gios thing that is boethering me.... lol. jk jk

ttyl

ESTEBAN :)

btw... still havent done misanthrope essay since last post!

Ok so today i was goign to write my Misanthrope essay which was due two weeks ago. but instead my dad took me to get a project board for the stupid reasearch "poster session" crap... (we went tog et the same one that Emily got... but it was 15$$ so i got another one... it was dicontinued so we got it for free! yay!) ok so then we went to the store and i got Cookies and a cake for the party in 6th period... then i can home and made all the crap... btw i have to remember to ask emily to give my stuff a ride to skool on Friday. and then i went to my room to do the candy canes... which i do every year... and i had alot of fun.... now im writing in here and i am out of stuff to say.... i am really nervous about tomarrow... i hope that my posse is a good one, and that we dont have a bad group. I highly doubt that we will because the people that i saw at the final meeting were all Awesome people so i cant imagine that there would be any reason for there to be a bad group... it is still nerve racking, because you want to know so bad who it is that got it. ok well im going to go to sleep now, ill talk to you (who ever you is) later....

ESTEBAN!!

Today-was-long! OMFG! ok I'm gonna tell you (whoever "you" is) my plan for this thingy... i want to try and post at least once a week... imma b realistic... i doubt that i could ever do everyday.... but once a week it think should be ok. Thursday is the Posse awards ceremony. im excited becuas eiw ant to see who else got it. A bunch of teachers are gonna be there, MR. McClenahan, Ms. Koven, MS. Goodman. THen on friday is funday! i cant wait! Alejandra is going to love her gift... i wont saay what they are until after friday becuase i dont want her to see. but all i can say is i am excited! I havent written any of the letters that go along with the presents which means that im gonna be working overtime to try and finish them... also, i havent done the Misanthrope essay that was due two weeks ago. omg. im not worried about calculus anymore... i have the feelign that if i go to all the tutoring i can, i will be able to bribe ms. rostami into giving me a c...lol no that would be bad... i think that then she will see that i actually care and have more compassion with me... that better. lol.
I am really really tired of trying to please people. it hurts because i am usually the personw ho tell people what i think, but for whatever reson there is this one guy i know who i just cant yel at him. He's being a big jerk for what reason i do not know... he had alot of fun this summer with this group of ppl and i think that he hates me now becuase i am not like them... its a shame you know because he is one of the ppl that i care about most in the world... lol he was the first person i told i was gay! i trust him so much and i just slowly see him slipping away and it is depressing. hes been there for me through so much, but i cant find it in my heart to try and help him this time... idk why. i want to tell him that since his problem seems to be that EVERYONE HATES HIM and EVERYONE ELSE has soemthign wrong with them, mabye he should look at himself and figure out what wrong in him.

ok backt o happy things.... i absolutly LOVE shopping whith Emily! it was so much fun! i had the bestest time ihave ever had... Eric was nice enough to give me a ride home.

well im goign to go get started on those letters to ppl. lol! i guess i'll post again at most in a week! ttyl!

ESTEBAN!!

Emily Inspired me to create a LJ... i read a post she did and i was like ok that seems kool. so i got one... Plus! this is all that she has, and it is the only thing that jen ever gets on. ok well its one in the morning and i have calculus so ill go!

ESTEBAN :)